


Sarge's Secret, or The Truth About Candy

by CeliaEquus



Category: Agents of Cracked, Cracked.com
Genre: Family, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Mentions of B-Tone, Mentions of Daniel O'Brien, Mentions of Mandy Manderson, Mentions of Michael Swaim, Past Relationship(s), Swearing, Trans Character, Transgender Sarge, past pregnancy, possibly, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 05:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8274470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeliaEquus/pseuds/CeliaEquus
Summary: Sarge had a little secret.  Okay, a big secret.  Fucking huge secret, alright?  But this one has nothing to do with his rank as a Star Cougar.
Disclaimer: 'Agents of Cracked' is the property of Cracked.Com, not me, and I'm not making any money from this.  I have, however, spent way too much time watching Cracked videos on Youtube, damn it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note: SPOILERS for the Cracked web series ‘Agents of Cracked’. If you haven’t seen all the episodes, but especially the ones with Sarge, none of this will make sense to you. There are 32 episodes, all viewable on Youtube or the Cracked website. It’s bloody hilarious, completely nonsensical, and the episodes are fairly short. The longest is the final episode, at under 13 mins, and there are a lot of references to the events of that episode in this story.

_“Candy.”_

He hadn’t heard that name in years.

 

Sarge smirked as he looked around the offices of Cracked.Com, now expanding its empire to hats. He resisted the urge to trip B-Tone, winked at Mandy, and sauntered out of the building. He ducked a bottle of alcohol dropped from floors above, which smashed at his feet.

It was hard not to look up. Between his experiences in Vietnam and… that other thing, the one thing preying on his mind.

_“Biggest mistake…”_

Sarge strode to the bus station, enough cash in his pocket to take him back to his home in the desert. He sneakily shifted his eye-patch from one side to the other, and a random civilian who noticed this did a double-take. One wild-eyed look from Sarge, and the man was scurrying away with his tail between his legs.

For a guy who was supposed to be so damn smart, why didn’t O’Brien even question why Mandy knew so much about B-Tone and the Order of Chiefs? At least he seemed to be over his crush on her.

(If he hurt Michael, Sarge would track him down and _crush his bones_. In _alphabetical order_.)

One bus passed by; Sarge’s was due in five minutes. While the traffic passed, he considered the day’s events. He could still feel the grease he’d used to remove the casing inside B-Tone’s head beneath his nails, the plastic taste of Mandy’s lipstick as he’d given her a goodbye kiss for show, the crick in his neck from looking up at the Chief…

With a squeak, the bus pulled up a minute early. Sarge ambled on, paid his fare, and sat at the very back. He could see everyone from here, and was closest to the emergency exit if it became necessary. Being out of the Chief’s life again didn’t make him any safer.

Being out of _Michael’s_ life again…

 

It was a hell of a surprise when Sarge saw Mandy at Cracked.Com. The Chief didn’t seem to think it was important or anything. Nothing _significant_ about it.

But then… why would he? As far as he was concerned, Candy was the older sister of two-year-old Mandy. The whole family were friends of the Order. No one, not even the Chief, knew that Candy didn’t _feel_ like a girl. She was the kooky cousin always going through phases. Declaring things redundant, wanting to join the army, wanting to be a man…

Candy liked men. She did. And after arguing with the Chief one night about physical appearances (sometimes she started the arguments just to hear that _voice_ of his), they’d ended up in bed. The one time in her life that she’d ever felt even _close_ to comfortable in her female body.

Cue several months of discomfort, a missing Chief, and then giving up the child for adoption. As soon as she could, Candy started to transition. Then she – now he – enlisted under a new name at a time when the army was desperate for anyone they could get. He proved himself in battle, reached the rank of Star Cougar, and then chose a life of isolation. A few emails to his parents to prove that he was alive, and that was it. A peaceful existence under the name Sarge.

Until an assassin and a relentless Chief showed up again to make his life hell.

There was a definite resemblance to Sarge’s grandfather in Michael, but the kid was batshit insane. Not intentionally malevolent, but Sarge could see that the demi-god was a danger to society.

Then finding out that Mandy and Michael had had sex? Sure, Mandy had always had an incest kink, but Sarge wasn’t letting his sister indulge that kink with her nephew when Michael didn’t know. Screw O’Brien’s feelings; Sarge wasn’t going to let his son get hurt, even unknowingly.

None of that mattered anymore, though. The Order thought Michael was dead, B-Tone thought Michael was dead. That was all that mattered. His baby boy had another chance at life, O’Brien would drag his ass to the East Coast, Mandy would probably use the Chief’s cloning technology on herself to achieve a higher level of masturbation, the Chief would sell hats, and Sarge…

He’d go back to the desert and the isolation, and forget the weeks he’d watched his son, and pretended to be a parent.

_“I’m not your father… son.”_

No.

“You’re his mother.”

 

Sarge glanced to the right. The Chief’s face was in shadow as usual, somehow, but at least he’d left the wig off. Sarge’s gaze wandered over the boyish beard, the unnecessary glasses, the fingers tapping a rhythm on the back of the seat.

“Where’s your ticket, Chief?” he asked.

“You were Candy.”

“That was a long _time_ ago,” Sarge said. His voice had changed, not because of the transitioning process, but due to the torture training. And years of shouting at his troops. The high pitch of feminine vocal chords had become sharp and raspy.

“I should’ve known,” the Chief said, scratching his chin. “We’ve been friends for three years, but I never noticed your inflection until now.”

“I didn’t wanna be a mother,” Sarge said. “Why did you have to drag me back into his life? _Your_ life?”

“You know why.”

“Fucking _asshole_.”

“If I’d known you were Candy—”

“What? You’d fucking _what_ , Chief?”

“I still would’ve asked you to take over Michael’s care for me,” the Chief said, shuffling closer. “But I would’ve visited your office a lot more.”

Sarge scoffed. “Why?” he asked. No, that wasn’t a tremble in his voice. He was a Star Cougar, for fuck’s sake.

“Michael was the mistake,” the Chief said. “Not you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Don’t you? You’re so eager to avoid arguing with me like we used to that you said ‘Oh, _yeah_ ’ when I mentioned Michael’s mother. But the Sarge I’ve known for three years never met Candy. Except by looking in a mirror.”

“That… that was a test.”

“Yes.”

Sarge looked ahead. Losing control when B-Tone threatened his son _yet again_ was one thing; losing control because the Chief said that he – that Candy – wasn’t a mistake was another thing altogether. He dug his fingers into the back of the seat in front of him, and felt something hard. He followed the shape, and realised it was another knife Michael had hidden ‘just in case’. He chuckled, and sat back.

“So,” he said. “What now?”

“Are you still up for scorpioning?” the Chief asked. Sarge moved his patch again, so he could properly side-eye the man.

“I’m up for _anything_ , if you are,” he said, jerking his hips the tiniest bit to emphasise his point. The Chief grinned wickedly.

“I’m glad to hear it,” he replied. “Think of all those under-the-desk blow jobs we could’ve had if you’d told me.”

**Author's Note:**

> What the fuck?
> 
> Anyway, I came up with this not-so-insane (for ‘Agents of Cracked’) theory that Sarge is actually Michael’s mother. He does in fact call Michael ‘son’ at one point, reminisces with a smile when the Chief mentions Michael’s mother (apparently called Candy), before remembering that the Chief said that it was the biggest mistake he ever made. He does seem terribly invested in Michael’s well-being, is possibly supernatural (I went the ordinary human route with this story, though), and he and the Chief have some kind of history.
> 
> I don’t think I’d write any other ‘Agents of Cracked’ fan fiction, because that show is a new level of insanity that I couldn’t possibly hope to match.


End file.
